Friday, February 10, 2012

Stress, Insomnia, and Depression

So I am falling behind on TVD. If you are looking forward to my next recap, I'm working on it, but they take at least two viewings of each show for me, so they take a while.

Part of it is because my life has recently gotten complicated- there's money issues and whatnot. I'm stressed and depressed, and because of the depression I've got insomnia. Or maybe it's because of the insomnia that I am depressed, either way the root cause is stress. I am asleep during the daylight hours when most people are doing stuff, and I hate it. Even when I do sleep, it's not good sleep. I don't sleep as long as I really need to and I don't sleep as deep as I really need to. Over time, it adds up.

I have always been a bit of a night owl and staying up until 2-4 is normal to me and, also, just fine by me. I hated working when I had to get up early. I can get up early, it just makes me miserable. 6-7 am is not a time I enjoy being awake, my body actively revolts at it. I'm pretty sure that was a contributing factor into why I was so miserable working a normal office job. My ideal job: for a while I worked from about 6-7 in the afternoon until, potentially, 4 in the morning, and that was just fine by me. I got up early enough to get stuff done and slept when my body thought I should sleep.

Now that I work from home, my sleep schedule has become a thing of wackiness, and not in the fun way. I have tried and tried to reset it and the truth is that my body will not sleep at night right now. Medication (Tylenol PM and the like) doesn't work. Alcohol doesn't work- at least not in doses small enough to prevent a hangover (hangovers are NOT WORTH IT). Meditation and breathing techniques and every other thing I can find online don't work. I've managed a couple of times to reset my sleep schedule only to have it flip back on me. After I recovered from strep I thought I had it pinned down, but that sucker flipped on me almost immediately.

The worst part is how disorienting it is. I have trouble keep track of the days because they change during my 'day'. I forget to eat. I'm having panic attacks at least twice a day, now. I struggle to get any writing done- that's the scariest, because writing has always been as easy as breathing for me. I have ideas, but the words don't pour out like they used to. This has happened before, but it's still scary. What if I don't find them again? What if my ability to make fiction just vanishes?

It didn't feel right to talk about movies and TV as if nothing was wrong, so I thought I'd let everyone know where my head is at right now. I've been doing lots of nostalgic stuff because it's less stressful than watching new stuff for me right now.

New TV and movies are too stressful for me to watch right now. That's a pretty apt descriptor of my state of mind.

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